On the Origin of Kenny
by Apollonia F
Summary: Oneshot. A weird and random explanation of Kenny's immortality. Fairytaleish type thing.


**Yay, my first one-shot! This is the last thing I'm going to be posting for a while, so review the hell out of it. Please?**

**Disclaimer: I don't own South Park.**

On the Origins of Kenny

There are several theories circulating regarding the immortality of Kenneth McCormick. Some claim that his mother was smoking meth during his conception. Others believe that there is a divine purpose behind it. Still others hold that Kenny is simply one lucky bastard.

All of these theories are complete and utter bull crap.

When Stuart and Carol first consummated their relationship, they conceived a son. When Stuart received word of Carol's condition, he offered to take her to a back-alley abortionist. Carol declined, because she did not believe in abortion. Carol was soon kicked out by her strict Catholic father, and Stuart gave her a home on the bad side of town. Nine months and one shotgun wedding later, Kevin McCormick was born.

Stuart took odd jobs while the sixteen-year-old Carol cared for the baby. They argued, like all couples do, and mainly these arguments were about money. However, they always reconciled.

One day, when Kevin was three and Carol nineteen, Stuart came home from work. Well, that's not entirely true.

"Honey, I have some news," Stuart said, over the dinner table. Tonight they had frozen waffles. Lately, it had been all that they could afford. Stuart hoped that this wouldn't last long.

"So do I." Kevin picked at his waffle. He was a very quiet child.

"Hon, I lost my job." Carol stared.

"Stuart, I'm pregnant."

"Holy sh... shoot," Stuart amended, glancing at his young son.

"What're we going to do?" Carol's eyes were desperate. Stuart tried to speak, but was paralyzed by those pleading eyes. The carefree young girl he had married was gone.

"I know a man who can help us."

"We are _not_ getting an abortion."

"I know that. Don't get your hopes up. He probably won't have anything for us, or if he does, it'll be much too expensive. But, if there's a chance, I'll find it." Stuart took his wife's hand. "It'll be OK, honey."

"I wish I could believe you."

Stuart McCormick stood in Dr. Mephisto's lab, looking around nervously. Dr. Mephisto had a monkey following him around.

"This is Kevin. I'm going to use him in an experiment," the doctor explained when he saw the young man staring.

"My son's name is Kevin."

"Oh. So, why are you here? The last time I saw you, you were eight and you were throwing rocks at my windows."

"I'm sorry about that. Listen, I was wondering if you could help me. My wife is pregnant again, and I lost my job. We have no savings, and we can't afford a baby right now."

"You don't want me, son, you want the abortionist. I'm a respectable scientist."

"Doctor, you transplant asses onto animals. Which is very important science, I'm sure." It occurred to Stuart that it might not be in his best interests to insult the doctor. "We don't believe in abortion."

"Well, you can't have your cake and eat it, too. Either you can eat or you can be opposed to abortion. Did you use birth control?"

"No." The doctor pinched the bridge of his nose. Then he looked up, brightly.

"This _is_ a good chance to test my new product."

"What product?"

"You see, it sort of freezes the pregnancy. Hypothetically, it should stop the fetus from growing for one year in humans, without harming the fetus or the mother. Then, after the one-year period, normal growing should commence. There may be a few minor side effects after the birth, but the child should be basically healthy."

"I don't know. That sounds sort of... unnatural."

"Of course it is. It's science."

"I suppose I have no choice. How much is it?"

"If you, your wife, and the child come and visit me once a month for the next five years, then I can give it to you for free. You can be my first test subjects."

"Done." So Dr. Mephisto gave him the pills, and Stuart went home. He explained the pills to his wife.

"I can find a new job. We can save money for the baby."

"But, Stuart," she said, sitting on the shabby old armchair, "what if they don't work?"

"What other choice do we have, Carol?" Carol nodded, quietly. She tipped her head back and swallowed a pill.

The next year passed by uneventfully. Dr. Mephisto told them that the pills were working perfectly, and Carol was in the best of physical health. However, she looked drawn, and would stress over the slightest of colds. She and Stuart worked as much as they could, and saved every spare penny away. Soon, however, the year was up. The baby grew normally, and was delivered on time and in perfect health. The little boy was named Kenneth.

One night, when Kenny was a few weeks old, the boys were being quiet, but Carol couldn't sleep. She got out of the bed and went into Kevin and Kenny's room. Kevin was sleeping normally. His chest went up and down as he breathed, and a small smile played across his face. Carol kissed hi forehead and went over to Kenny's crib. She touched his face. He didn't move. She lightly shook his shoulder. Still no reaction. Carol put her hand in front of his face. He wasn't breathing.

"Oh my God!" Kevin shot up.

"What's wrong, mama?" Carol stared at her younger son and screamed. Stuart ran into the room.

"What's the matter, honey?" Carol tried to calm herself down, but whenever she wanted to take a deep breath, she just screamed.

"The baby's dead!"

As Stuart McCormick dialed the phone for the ambulance, he couldn't help but wonder if this was what Dr. Mephisto meant by "side effects".

They held the funeral the next Sunday. The entire town turned up to support the McCormicks. Mrs. McCormick was completely torn up over it. She spent the entire funeral crying into her husband's arms. He cried with her, wondering if this was all his fault. If he hadn't urged her to take the pills...

Little Kevin didn't quite understand. He talked as if Kenny was coming back.

Everyone knew Kenny wouldn't come back. Until he did.


End file.
